Not a "Good" Boyfriend? There's an app for that

A tweet from @TheUndomestic brought this iPhone application to my attention. At first, I thought it was a joke, but no, it's real and can be purchased.

What is this iPhone app that I speak of? It's the Girlfriend Keeper App! Because men forget birthdays and woman can be programed (in the words of TheUndomestic).

I started reading the description of the app and I seriously did think it was a joke, until I found it in the iTunes App Store. With this app, you can set it up to send automated text messages or emails to your significant other at certain time intervals based on the seriousness of your relationship. You can even enter information such as anniversary dates, birthdays, and eye color. The text messages that this app randomly generates to send to your significant other are not the kind of things that I would want to be recieving. Here are some examples:

"I just drove by a brown barn and it reminded me of your eyes."
"It is 268 days until your birthday..."

I don't know if having your eyes compared to a barn is something that is romantic. And I find it kind of creepy that it sends text messages that are "it is ___ days until your birthay." That sounds kind of stalker-like (unless your birthday is only a couple days away).

But don't worry, you'll never be caught off guard when your significant other brings up an automated text message...there is a history function so that you can review all of the messages that you have sent.

Let's get to some of the reviews of this app:

"My first three wives divorced me because I always forgot anniversaries. I am pretty sure my fourth marriage will work thanks to the Girlfriend app?" Mark, 22
"Great app but change that icon. For us married types the wife is going to flip when she see's that. Make it look like an excel spreadsheet and label it GFK."

Wow, sounds like some great guys that are using this app.

This app is not only offensive to women -- thinking of women as "programmable" and appreciating of stalker-like text messages -- but is also offensive to men. Men are obviously not capable of a "real" relationship where he actually cares for his significant other and wants to be involved in that person's life. Men are obviously not capable of remembering a birthday or the color of someone's eyes. They need an application to help them.

The Domination of White Male Singers

As I have been thinking about which artists and songs to highlight on Sing-A-Long Saturday, I have become more aware of the majority of the music that I listen to is performed by white males. Why is this? I believe in supporting female artists and artists of color, especially female artists and artists of color that are outside of the mainstream. But when it comes down to it, I choose white male singers/bands.

When looking at my "favorite music" section on my Facebook page, I have come to realize that 73% of those listed are all male bands or male singers, only 1 is a person of color, and only 18% were female singers...I did not have any all female bands listed.

Maybe I'm just attracted to the male voice -- I do like when guys have a good singing voice -- and that's why a majority of my favorite music is performed by white men. Or maybe it's that there are more white male singers/bands out there in most genres. Or maybe it's that society has told us that white male performers are more worthy of our time.

Some of the female singers/bands that I do like (for bands, I am including bands that are at least half female) are:

• Regina Spektor
• Feist
• She & Him
• Ingrid Michaelson
• Dar Williams
• KT Tunstall
• Girlyman

A lot of the music that I listen to is classic rock, alternative pop, folk-ish, and I think that those genres are dominated by white, male singers/bands in general. Or maybe I'm just missing the majority of the female artists.

Does anyone have any recommendations of female singers/bands? I am interested in expanding my horizons and supporting female artists.

Further Reading:
Why is most of the music I listen to written/performed by straight white males? [Pieces of String]

Retraction: Men Can NOT Be Feminists

A while ago, I wrote a post about the different sides of debate about if men can be feminists and came to the conclusion that yes, men can be feminists. Actually, what I decided was: "men can be feminists, but they are a fundamentally different kind of feminist than women."

Since then, I have been thinking more about this, in light of some of the comments on the post and reading other posts from feminists. I have, in fact, changed my mind. Men can NOT be feminists.

This is not to say that men cannot have feminist values. I encourage all men to think about feminism and equality. I think when it comes to men and feminism, men can be pro-feminist or feminist-minded, but not truly feminists.

Men cannot truly understand what it means to be a woman. Just as a point of clarification: I want to make sure that it is understood that in this argument, I am including trans men and trans women. Trans women can be feminists because they are women and share some of the same experiences that cis-women do and face different kinds of oppression. Trans women, of course, will have differing experiences from cis-women, but there are differing experiences between all women. Also, trans men cannot be feminists for many of the same reasons.

When it comes to oppression, people can fight against it (and I strongly encourage them to), but they will never fully understand it unless they are subject to it. People with male privilege, no matter how much they are aware of their privilege, won't be able to get rid of that privilege to fully understand the oppression that they are a part of (part of privilege is being complicit in oppression, even if you are aware of your privilege).

This post is not intended to discourage anyone in their feminist beliefs. I am all about men having feminist values. My only problem comes when men call themselves feminists, instead of pro-feminist, feminist-minded, etc. Recognizing one's own male privilege is also about recognizing the oppression that you are complicit in, even if not purposefully. Therefore, it is hard to call yourself a feminist...only pro-feminist.

Further Reading:
Men are not feminists. [Pieces of String]

500 Days of Summer: Some Problems, But Overall Worth Watching

I have been waiting for a while for 500 Days of Summer to come out in Grand Rapids. And today, I finally got to go see it. I have been in love with Zooey Deschanel since I saw Tin Man and Joseph Gordon-Levitt since 10 Things I Hate About You, so I thought they were going to be a great match up. I'm going to start off by saying that I really did like the movie overall, but there were some problematic things in it...like every movie.

So, let's start off with the bad news first (aka, the stuff I didn't like or found problematic):

It was told entirely from a male perspective: The movie was through the eyes of Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character, Tom. We only got into the mind of Zooey Deschanel's character, Summer, when she talked to Tom. So we never really got to fully see what she was thinking or feeling. And also because of this, Summer was portrayed, in some parts, as crazy, unemotional, or inconsiderate because all we saw of her was what Tom's interpretation of her was. Granted, Tom's experiences, thoughts, and feelings are just as valid and important to the story as Summer's. But we never really get to hear Summer's side of the story. We hear her explain her feelings to Tom, but it's not the same as getting into her head as the movie does with Tom.

It portrays skinny women as the norm: Yes, most tv shows and movies do this. But the movie actually says it. At the beginning of the movie, the narrator is describing Summer. He says she's normal height, normals weight, and slightly larger than normal shoe size, while pointing out on a still image, her height, weight, and shoe size. Normal weight = 121 lbs? I don't think so.

Skanks, whores and "you're a guy": Summer is often referred to as a skank or whore when she does not conform to to societal feminine norms, such as her desire to not be in a serious relationship, or when she breaks up with Tom. I understand that you're hurting, Tom - fictional movie character, but I don't think that it's ok to call her a skank or whore just because you got your feelings hurt. In addition to that, when Summer is explaing to Tom and his friend that she doesn't want a serious relationship and doesn't believe in love, she gets asked if she's a lesbian and then it is declared that she's a guy. Stereotypes much?

And now on the why I really did enjoy the movie...

Summer actually did have her own opinions and desires: Even though I talked above about how it's told from Tom's perspective and we never really got into Summer's head, it is clear that Summer knows what she wants and has her own desires. She's not afraid to tell Tom that she doesn't want a serious relationship and refuses to put labels on their relationship. She doesn't embody the stereotypical role of women (of wanting relationships and commitment) and she isn't afraid to express it.

It's got a pretty unique storyline and film editing: We know from the beginning that this is not a love story, which is kind of a lie, but kind of not. But this already puts it one step ahead of most rom-coms. The movie also jumps between times, which adds an interesting aspect to the storyline. At one point we see after they have broken up (sorry, but you know it's coming) and then five minutes later we see when they are just starting to date and when they are in a happy relationship. This adds a lot of interest to the movie.

Dating advice from a little sister: Tom gets dating advice from his little sister, who I would estimate to be around 13 or 14 years old. She tells it like it is and actually has some good advice for him.

It definitely has its funny moments: While it's not always funny to watch a depressed person on the big screen, Joseph Gordon-Levitt pulls it off. I laughed throughout the movie and so did a lot of people in the theater (unfortunately, the ones sitting close to me had really annoying, loud laughs).

500 Days of Summer is an big movie trying to be indie. While it's definitely not on the bigger end of most movies made, it's not exactly an indie film either, even though it tries to be. I do recommend this movie because it's amusing, unique, and cute. And I love Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt and they have great chemistry on screen. Have you seen 500 Days of Summer? What did you think of it?

To get a taste of their chemistry together, watch this video that they made to one of Zooey's band's songs ("Why Do You Let Me Stay Here" by She & Him):



I am also contemplating a post on Zooey Deschanel in response to a post at Tiger Beatdown and the comments it received, so stay tuned.

Feminist Anger Scares Men - Really? Never Would Have Guessed

I have been thinking a lot lately about how female feminists react to men's feelings about feminism, whether it is supportive of feminism or anti-feminist. Do women try to make men understand their viewpoints? Do women sometimes concede to men's opinions? So I was really excited when my friend sent me this old post from the blog Hugo Schwyzer - "Words are not fists: some thoughts on how men work to defuse feminist anger."

This blog is written by a history and gender studies professor, and in this post he reflects on how men in women's studies courses preface statements (when they make them) with phrases along the lines of "I know I'm going to get killed for saying this, but..." The author sees this as a way for men to control women's feminist anger (which women have every right to have).

By equating feminist anger with physical violence ("I'm going to get killed"), women might have the tendency to make the man feel safe and tone down their anger as a response.

Joking about getting beaten up (or putting on the football helmet) sends a message to young women in the classroom: "Tone it down. Take care of the men and their feelings. Don’t scare them off, because too much impassioned feminism is scary for guys."

Many of these men might not be conscious of the fact that they do this and women might not be conscious that they are diffusing their feminist anger as a response.

Even men who are pro-feminist do this. And it's a classic anti-feminist technique to silence women...

it forces women students to become conscious caretakers of their male peers by subduing their own frustration and anger. It reminds young women that they should strive to avoid being one of those "angry feminists" who (literally) scares men off and drives them away.

I have seen this technique used both in classrooms and in daily conversations. And I have to admit that they usually work. I want to make sure that everyone's opinion is heard, that no one's feelings get too hurt in the process, and that everyone feels "safe" in the conversation. And this usually results in me toning down my actual opinions. And it seems like I'm not the only one who does this.

But why do men do this? I understand anti-feminist men's desire to silence feminist anger - strong, confident, feminist women are who they are fighting against. But why would pro-feminist men want to do this? The author of this post claims that it is because of men's fear of be challenged and confronted, especially by a woman. But do all men have this intrinsic fear? I know many men who can hold a conversation about feminism and listen to the thoughts of women in this context. But when I was having those conversations, I wasn't necessarily aware of this technique, so maybe they were doing it as well.

So as a feminist woman, I have to be aware of this silencing technique and try to not let it affect me. I have to stand by my opinions while still promoting a "safe" environment for conversation. And...

The first task of the pro-feminist male in this situation is to accept the reality and the legitimacy of the frustration and disappointment and anger that so many women have with men, and to accept it without making light of it or trying to defuse it or trying to soothe it. Pro-feminist men must work to confront their own fears about being the target of those feelings.

A conversation is a two-way street. It's not entirely men's fault, women have to not back down. But men have to listen to the real anger and frustration of women. It is important to look out for this technique, as both women and men.

As long as women's voices are silenced, whether those voices are feminist or not, society will never have a chance of being equal. Everyone has to have a say. Equating verbal feminist anger with physical violence is just not an acceptable way of silencing women. Feminist anger and frustration has the right to be heard...especially in Women's Studies classrooms, where this type of silencing technique has a tendancy to appear.

What are your experiences (both of men and women) of someone trying to diffuse your feminist anger? Do these techniques really work? How can we "fight back" against associating verbal disagreement with physical violence?

Lady Gaga Brushes Off Idea of Feminism

I was stumbling around on YouTube the other day and I came across this interview with Lady Gaga:



It's kind of hard to hear the interviewer ask some of the questions, but you can get the gist of them.

Even though she seems kind of out of it, I had some hope for the interview at the beginning (despite her comment about the biggest thrill of her career being the gay community). Lady Gaga talked about infusing her songs with sexuality. Does the sexuality in her songs take away from the music? Her answer: No. It's part of the music. And would the interviewer even be asking her this question if she were a guy who talked about sex in his songs? I don't think so. She pointed this out very effectively I thought. Sexual music made by men is celebrated (by some) where as sexual music by women is criticized for being too sexual. She points out that if she were a guy who sang about fast cars and sex, the question about sexuality interfering with her music wouldn't even be asked. But because she's a woman talking about sexuality, her music and values are policed.

But then it came. That moment when I went "whoa there." The interviewer asked Lady Gaga if she was a feminist. A reasonable question, especially when she was just talking about the gender double standard of sexuality in music. But Lady Gaga seemed offended. She said that she was not a feminist, which is fine, I don't know if I would classify her as feminist. But my problem came with her reasonings behind why she was not a feminist. She's not a feminist because she loves men, she love American male culture, which she defines as beer and bars.

I'm a fan of men too. I love beer and bars. But I'm also a feminist because I believe in ending sexism and misogyny and I believe in gender equality. I would classify her previous comment about the gender double standard of sexuality in music as feminist because it points out the inequality between men and women. But the belief that feminism is all about man-hating is just not true.

I would hope that society in general would be past the belief that feminism is all about man-hating. I definitely know that there are still people who believe this, but I would think that most of society would be past that. Obviously that's just wishful thinking.

So while Lady Gaga does do and say and sing some empowering things for women about claiming your own sexuality (which is important to feminism), Lady Gaga is officially an anti-feminist in my book for the belief that feminism is about man-hating. While her actions may be empowering for some women, the values behind those actions that Lady Gaga holds about feminism shows that her intention is not really to empower women and work towards equality.

Funny Men, Attractive Women

Have you ever noticed how male actors, especially comedians, don't have to conform to societal beauty standards? But female actors are usually shunned if they don't conform to these standards and as they get older.

I was watching an interview with Jonah Hill for the movie Funny People (Judd Apatow's latest creation) and they showed a clip starring Hill and Seth Rogen. Neither of these men are "attractive" according to cultural standards, yet they are both popular actors. In the clip that they showed, Seth Rogen was discussing his looks (he has recently lost a good amount of weight for a different role) and how he isn't good looking but isn't bad looking either. Jonah Hill goes on to reprimand him for losing weight because there's "nothing funny about a physically fit man!" This line really struck me because, at least to me, it shed light on the double standard that funny and talented men don't have to be physically fit where as women do.

Men can be physically "unattractive" and make up for it with their personality/humor. But women, on the other hand, have a hard time making it big if they are not culturally attractive. Of course there are some exceptions such as Dame Judy Dench and Queen Latifah. But both of these women are beautiful, they just don't conform to societal standards of beauty; Dench because of age and Latifah because of weight. In comedies, women have to be both attractive and funny where as men just have to be funny.

This is oh-so evident in Judd Apatow movies. The women that "star" in these movies are much more attractive than the men that play opposite then. Not to say that a relationship where the woman is more attractive than the man could never happen, but it is definitely not the norm in movies. For example, in Knocked Up, Katherine Heigl stays with her unattractive, slacker boyfriend, Seth Rogen. I could understand that if Rogen was actually a good boyfriend, but he wasn't. Just one example of how women in comedies have to be attractive in order to play a prominent role.

And even as attractive, funny women age, they are shunned from the mainstream. They are offered roles to play the mothers of people they are only 10 years older than and to play the old hag next door. Feministing posted a video with Amy Pohler, Sarah Silverman, Christina Applegate, Jane Krakowski, Mary Louise Parker, and Julia Louis-Dreyfus discussing what it means to be getting older in show business. They talk about the roles they are offered and the ones they are turned down for, about not getting magazine covers because they are over 35, etc. While all these women are amazing actors and very attractive, this video speaks to the value of youth (including society standards of beauty) in show business and society.



There are of course exceptions to this "rule." But they are few and far between. Men have the pleasure of relying on their talent and humor instead of their looks whereas women generally have to rely on their looks in order to get roles...at least at first.

Further Reading:
Judd Apatow Talks About Sexism, Seth Rogen [Jezebel]

The Topless Double Standard

Being that it is summertime, I understand that people get exceedingly hot. I'm often walking or driving around on a particularly warm summer day and see numerous men walking or lounging around without a shirt on. I fully understand a man's right to do this, especially when it is very warm outside. But when a woman does it, it is indecent exposure.

I understand that breasts are sexual objects and sexual objects are a big no-no in society. But on a hot, sticky day, shirts can be awfully uncomfortable. Because of this, there are many days where I hate said shirt and wish I could shed it in public. While I often wish this, but I would never actually do it because it is not socially acceptable.

On a side note, there are many men who do not have shirts that have breasts, or at least what look like breasts. And I don't mean to be insensitive, but I don't always want to look at that. If men should have the pleasure of cooling off by shedding their tops, so should women...or no one should be able to. If people don't want to see women's breasts in public, then why should we have to see men's breasts?

Every time I see a guy walking around without a shirt on, I wonder to myself why it's acceptable for men while it's not acceptable for women (I know, basic answer is breasts are sexual objects and should be covered in public). I've brought this up to some people and I usually get the same answer: well, why don't you just walk around topless and demonstrate the double standard? Even if I wouldn't be arrested for doing this, in a cultural climate like this one, where women are told to feel ashamed about their bodies, I would not feel comfortable.

So it's not only laws that have to change, but culture's perception of female bodies entirely (but we all know that laws reflect cultural values). As long as women are made to feel ashamed about their bodies because they are not perfect (like anyone's is), we are not going to see any change. I have no inclination to believe that this will happen anytime soon because there is so much profit to be made, in almost every arena, on the objectification and deprecation of women's bodies, but a woman can hope, can't she?

And I'm not going to say that I'm completely comfortable with my body, because I'm not. I've struggled with my body image ever since I became aware that my body was not "perfect." As much as I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter what my body looks like, every time I go out anywhere, I see women whose bodies I envy and then feel ashamed about my own. And as much as I know that this is a product of societal values, it's hard (or impossible) to completely ignore 22 years of cultural indoctrination.

I think that it is just important for every woman to be constantly trying to love their body just a little bit more (and it is a constant struggle). Be conscious of the cultural images of women's bodies and the constant impression that your body will never be good enough. I'm not saying this is an easy thing, because it's not. And I'm not saying that just being conscious of it will make you 100% happy with your body, because it won't. I think that everyone just needs to be conscious of it and by doing that, it can be easier to fight these cultural images.

So in a post that started about men's shirtless-ness, I ended up discussing women's body image. But if men are comfortable enough with their imperfect bodies (not all men are) to walk around without shirt, why can't women? Or why can't women work towards being comfortable enough? Comparing the acceptablility of being topless for both men and women shows the double standard of men's and women's bodies. Women face more shame and criticism about their bodies than men do in the public arena.* Because of this, most women will never feel comfortable being shirtless or let alone showing a little more skin than normal on a hot day.

*Note: I do not want to say that men do not face any shame or criticism, and I cannot really speak to how much because I am not a man. I just believe that at least in the public arena, women face more criticism than men because there is the constant pressure on women (more than men, I think) to be skinny and have that "perfect" body.

Further reading:
Women should have the right to be shirtless [Daisy's Dead Air]

The Male Feminist

In my final semester at Beloit College, I was confronted in my Feminist Theory class with the question: can men be feminists? The class was 9 females and 1 male. While many of the women in class were eager to show the inclusion of the feminist movement in saying that of course men can be feminists, the one man in the class spoke up saying that he still wasn't quite sure if they could. While he certainly agreed with feminist values and the "feminist cause," he wasn't sure if they could actually be part of the category called feminist.

Ever since I started my career as a Women's and Gender Studies major, I was convinced that men could be feminists. But this class discussion in my final semester started me questioning (becuase that's what Women's and Gender Studies is all about anyways). Here are some of the points that were brought up in the discussion and some that I thought about later:

Men CAN be feminists:

• Many men believe that women should have equal status in society and do not see this as a threat
• Feminism is about the inclusion of differing opinions centering around women's equality, so men should be included for that differing opinion
• Excluding men can be seen as a form of sexism, which is what feminism is trying to fight against
• With the inclusion of trans and gay rights, men can "benefit" from a feminist "agenda" (this is not to say that they wouldn't benefit from women's equality, there is just a more clear connection between men and feminism)
  

Men CANNOT be feminists:

• Feminism is grounded in women's experiences, which men do not have (yes, trans men do have experiences as a woman and while every woman's experinece is different, trans men's experiences are fundamentally different than women's experiences)
• Can't women just have something that is their own instead of having to share it, like everything else, with men?

After this class discussion, I started asking some of my guy friends (some of whom I knew called themselves feminist and some who I knew didn't) if they thought men could be feminists. I mostly just got a yes or no answer (because it was the middle of the semester and people were busy and I just sent out an email to a lot of people, and only had a full conversation with a few people). But one of my favorite answers was along the lines of: "I think men can be feminists like Jane Goodall can be an ape. They can study feminism, they can believe in feminism, they can act like feminists, but they can never truly be feminist." While this is not the most perfect analogy, it made me chuckle and I could see where he was coming from.

After this discussion and the ongoing debate on my part, I have come to my personal conclusion that men can be feminists, but they are a fundamentally different kind of feminist than women. Men have different experiences and so do women, so everyone is going to approach feminism in a different way. In "third wave feminism," there are many different identity "themed" (for lack of a better word) feminisms, such as black feminism, lesbian feminism, Asian feminism, working class feminism, Middle Eastern feminism, etc. So why can't we add male feminism to that list in which that type of feminism is approached from "the" male perspective.


Note: this picture came from the blog Gapers Block in a post about the 2004 March for Choice.